Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain

I recently reread Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People and was struck by the realization of how relevant his principles of influence are considering the book was first published in 1936.

My next three blogs will be devoted to principles outlined in this book. In each blog I will share an overview of one principle and provide simple and practical suggestions on how it can be applied to daily interactions with others.

Part One: Fundamental Techniques of Handling People

Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

In this chapter, Carnegie suggests “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.” To illustrate, he relates stories of several key figures in American history – stories of how they practiced this principle of seeking to understand, rather than condemn, the actions of another. The story that resonated with me most recounts President Lincoln’s scathing displeasure with General Meade’s disregard of his orders to attack General Lee’s army during the 1863 Battle of Gettysburg. Apparently, Lincoln was so furious with Meade’s chosen course of action and disregard of orders that he penned a biting letter to the General, expressing his extreme displeasure. Carnegie explains that we’ve come to know of this letter only because it was never sent – it was found among President Lincoln’s belongings after his death.

Perhaps Lincoln chose the higher road. Rather than criticize, he likely gave more thought to the circumstance, the mindset of the recipient of his wrath, and the possible unproductive reaction it would elicit. Then, tucking the letter away in his desk drawer, he came to a more amicable resolve. This particular story conjured up many memories of past issues I mishandled simply because I may have been hasty in my response.

Years ago, a mentor who knew all too well of my propensity to “jump” to act, made a simple gesture that has served me well – he framed a $5 bill and presented it to me along with my first copy of this book. The message: Before addressing less than desirable behavior, ask yourself “What would Lincoln do?”

Lynda Fleming - Director of Learning & Development, Frontline Performance Group